it only happens to us.

hotcop + erika= trouble. Trouble, that is.

hollywood and i are just back from taking hotcop up the street to the fire station. yes, that's right, to the paramedics.

tonight was a good night. hotcop came home and we got to work--the house was covered in cat hair and dust. she mopped the kitchen 3 times and i vaccuumed and swept. we grabbed a beer each early in the night-- makes the cleaning easier, we've found. after a quick stroll up to the post office to drop some mail, we were ready to eat.

hollywood came over. we ordered pizza and chicken wings. all was grand. hotcop drank a total of 2 beers, i drank 3 (hey, i wasn't going anywhere). we packed up the leftover pizza.

hollywood and i were sitting at the kitchen table talking and hotcop was on the phone when it all went down. all-of-a-sudden i hear a BAM!!! my lovely roommate hit her head on the inside of the fridge... and saw stars. she collapsed on the floor. holy shit that hurt!! i saw stars!! she said to her boyfriend the turkey.

eh, she hits her head all the time. the next 20-30 minutes passed uneventfully. then:
her: erika? can you come look at my eyes?
me: what? there's something in your eyes?
her: no! can you come look at my eyes?
me: right now? [i was on the internet, very important email to read].
her: yeah.

i go downstairs. is one of my pupils bigger than the other? cause if it is that means i have a concussion. oh yeah, one is most definitely bigger. but i can't tell if that's cause i was looking for it. time for a second opinion.

hollywood comes to look. look at her eyes, i say, do they look the same? well, i mean, your right eye is bigger than the left one but other than that... what about her pupils? yeah, one is bigger than the other.

i've already decided we're taking her to the hospital. hollywood is doubtful. "she just hit her head!" "do you want my friend to die??" i ask him.

no no, hotcop says, i'm not going to the hospital. just take me to the fire station up the street. but i've been drinking! the chief knows my dad!

keep this in mind:
1. we are of age to consume alcohol.
2. we have not been driving.
3. neither of us are drunk.
4. she is not on duty.

i've got to find some gum, she says.
we'll make hollywood drive us, i say.

hollywood just rolls his eyes. "that's my get-rich-quick scheme," he tells me, "i'll just start a weekly site about stuff that happens to you guys. and people will advertise on it."

we get gum. i make her practice what she's going to say to the firemen. i wonder if they are going to be hot. repeat after me i have had 2 beers.

we go out to the car and she decides she wants to walk. after all-- it is just up the street! yeah, that's what's best for a concussion, hollywood says (finally! something constructive!). we pile into the DISASTR. i even sit in the back seat.

at the fire station the firemen are settled in (well, as settled in as they can be) for the evening. there are 3, two married, one single. nothing to write home about. they've got ice cream. they've got popcorn. they've got star wars.

i should pause and say that firehouses are THE COOLEST PLACES EVER. EVER. we entered through the garage and it was almost surreal to see their boots in place and the doors to the fire truck open. made me think of school field trips to the firehouse.

so we walk in, and hotcop goes "hi, do you know me? i'm a cop here. i think i have a concussion." the firemen are all over it. she sits down and one of the married ones checks her pupils and head for a bump. "i've got a huge goose egg!" yeah, no you don't. turns out she's fine, and the firemen look at us like we're crazy. i'm sure they thought we were drunk.

is that jagermeister i smell? one of them asks.
no, i say, we drank michelob ultra. ask hollywood. and we have gum.
is that right, hollywood? the married one asks. i know you from somewhere.
well, he's trouble, i say. wherever there is trouble that's where he is.

now all hotcop can do is whine. my head hurts. blah blah blah. no concussion, though, just another adventure to add to our long list of "only us."